I do not usually quote from real query letters, but these were just too good to pass up. And I think it's because they came literally one after the other, too.
Query #1 excerpt:
"I HAVE NOVELS BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER, I LOST EVERYTHING I OWNED BECAUSE OF A LIE. MY WRITING IS GREAT IF YOU HAVE IMAGINATION. GUIDELINES ARE FOR THE UNCREATIVE. MY NOVELS ARE SCI-FI-FANTASY-COPING. IF YOU ARE A REAL AGENT YOU CAN GET ME THE BOOK DEAL I WANT."
Query #2 excerpt:
"A previous book, [title redacted], has just won its [number to the nth] award from POD publisher iUniverse and has obtained returnable status with bookstores. "